Introduction: How do I know I'm ready for divorce?

Often, long-term, happily married couples experience rough patches that they triumph over--not just endure.

Now that our culture has acknowledged and accepted divorce as an option, how do you know if you should get divorced. Some marriages are truly bad--they often involve behaviors such as addictions and abuse. Other unhappy relationships are simply not good enough love matches. It is possible, for example, to "grow out" of the relationship and move on. The tips below might help you decide what to do.

Tip Sheet

A person is probably--emphasis on the word probably--ready for divorce when he or she agrees with statements 5, 6 and 7 and any others.

1. There has been a history of abuse--verbally, physically and sexually. Abuse of self and children is one of the leading causes of divorce. Some people think it's the vague area of communication problems. However, according to reports from the Women's Bureau and Census, the leading causes of divorce involve some form of abuse. Other top causes include arguing over money, in-laws, children and lack of communication. Men report that they feel criticized, women report they don't feel supported or valued.

2. My partner has committed a felony.

3. My partner has absconded with my money or put us and the family in financial jeopardy due to irresponsible behavior.

4. My partner has a history of rage.

5. I have sought professional help, was honest with the therapist and took the therapist's advice over a course of time (at least 3-6 months.)

6. I can honestly say that I have tried everything--including knowing and addressing that I am most likely part of the problem.

7. I understand that major life events often trip off or amplify unsettled relationship problems. However, my desire for a divorce is independent of major life events. For example, in the last 18 months, there has been no major illnesses or deaths of key family members, no serious financial problems, no major career change/work unhappiness/firings, no major moves, no births or loss of a child, etc. It might sound unusual that something that happened 18 months ago could influence feelings, but our emotional reactions to key events can remain heightened for about 18 months, on average. The neuro-chemicals in the brain can affect thoughts and feelings long after the initial event. So, don't jump to conclusions. Seek help to try to get back to normal. It's never unwise to make decisions while you are in reaction mode.

8. There have been affairs, especially a history of affairs. Approximately, one third of couples can triumph over affairs. Often--but not always--each partner has contributed to the problem.

9. One of the partners announces a change in sexual orientation. It might be hard to believe, but some couples do remain together. This change does not necessarily mean the relationship is over. Every relationship is a very private matter.

In addition, if you think you are ready to divorce, try a technique that I call "Future Imaginative Scripting." Spend the next 2-4 weeks pretending that you have definitely decided to divorce. Don't talk about it to anyone. Just "try out the decision" for a while and see what kinds of feelings and thoughts come up.