When you are re-building your love relationship or marriage after an affair has occurred, trust is often a big issue. If your partner had the affair, you might feel hesitant to trust him or her again. Both of you may even feel mistrust of your own judgments about what's reality or about your decision-making ability. This is normal and to be expected.

If you and your partner are to have the deep, connected and passionate relationship you both want, however, trust needs to be strong and healthy. Healing after an affair is a process and doesn't normally happen overnight. At the same time, there are steps you can both take to feel better and closer quicker.

If you've ever lived or played with a frisky dog, you've likely encountered the following scenario. Puppies tend to be rambunctious and love to play. After a good hard nip from the puppy, you probably approached him or her with a bit more hesitancy. Sometimes, when scared, animals will bite. This too might result in hesitancy and fear the next time you lean down to pet the pup. What to do? While the nip or bite is what breached the trust between you, to cut off the connection will certainly not improve the situation.

Forgiveness First
Of course, relationships among humans are (usually) quite different. The dynamics are often more complex and-thankfully-communication is often easier. The first step with the nipping, biting puppy is probably to forgive. An affair is much different than a nip from a dog, but in this case forgiveness is also called for. Take baby steps if you need to and forgive yourself first if that feels easier.

When you realize that forgiveness is not about letting him or her "off the hook" for the affair, the process may feel more doable. Forgiveness is really a very self-centered act-and we mean this in a very positive way! When you forgive all those involved and affected by the affair, you are sending the message that you no longer wish to carry around the pain and torment that you've probably been feeling. When you forgive, you are saying to yourself and everyone that you are ready to move ahead with your life towards the love and joy you know is there for you.

Don't Time Travel
It's not advisable for you to re-live the nip or bite from the puppy each time you kneel down to pet or play with him or her. Not only is this unfair to the dog, it is widely accepted that animals sense our fear and negative feelings which can lead to even more unwanted behaviors. Once again, we aren't indicating that you are training your mate as you would a dog. At the same time, those we love will also pick up on our negative expectations about them. This can only cause higher walls between you two to form. This is not the direction you want to go!

If your intention is to re-build trust and allow those walls to dissolve, practice staying in the present moment. When your mate calls to say he or she will be late coming home, stop yourself if/when you start re-living the past. It may be that when the affair was going on, this was the excuse your mate used. When the alarm bells go off in your head and panic sets in, breathe. Remind yourself that this moment is not the same as you lived before. Next, focus on the love and connection you want to feel with your love.

Keep returning to the feelings you are having instead of stories from the past. Acknowledge how you are feeling and ask yourself if this accurately reflects the present moment. Do you know the story going on in your head to be true? If not, gently turn your attention to what you want from this fresh start at your relationship.

Trust can return to a relationship after an affair has happened. But this is not a one-sided process. Yes, the one who had the affair needs to demonstrate his or her trustability. At the same time, the other person can just as actively help. With both people practicing forgiveness and staying in the present moment, trust can be re-built. Celebrate your trust success moments along the way and enjoy the growing love and connection between you.